You Are Not Alone

I rehearse shower arguments that will never actually happen I re-read my own message five times after hitting send At 3am I remember something embarrassing from ten years ago I replay conversations in my head and come up with better lines I say "ten more minutes" and scroll for an hour and a half I retype the same password — slower and angrier I'm secretly happy when plans get cancelled I wake up before the alarm and calculate how much sleep I have left I come up with the perfect comeback… two days after the argument I stare at my phone so I don't look lost in awkward situations I open the fridge a second time — maybe something new appeared I forget someone's name the second they say it I rehearse phone calls before dialing I check my phone even though it didn't buzz. Just in case I play one song on repeat until it burns out I google my symptoms and find something terrifying within five minutes I'd rather write a long message than make a call I push doors that clearly say "pull" I save the tastiest bite for last I stare out the bus window with music on, starring in my own music video I press the remote harder when the battery is dying I go back to check the door even though I definitely locked it I type louder and harder when I'm angry I keep 50 browser tabs open — "might need them later" Under a blanket I feel safe from everything, monsters included I say hi to street cats I rehearse my order while standing in line at a café I say "okay, right" out loud before starting anything I do voices for animals and give them lines After leaving home I worry about the iron I never even used I look for my phone while holding it or using its flashlight I write a shopping list and leave it at home I talk to objects ("come on, start, please") I press the elevator button several times like it helps I make faces at myself in the mirror I buy books faster than I can read them The "do you have exact change?" question sends me into a panic I match my steps to floor tiles or the beat of my music I freeze when the doorbell rings and pretend I'm not home I stop the microwave one second before the beep, like defusing a bomb After a good movie I act like the main character for ten minutes I freeze during déjà vu and try to "watch" what happens next I wave back at someone who wasn't waving at me I do mental math about how old I'll be in 2050 I wear headphones with no music so nobody talks to me Sometimes I avoid stepping on pavement cracks I buy a beautiful notebook and I'm too afraid to write in it I crumple receipts into a perfect little ball on my way out I narrate my life in my head like someone's filming a movie about me After switching off the light I speed-run to my bed I take stairs two at a time and feel like an athlete I count stairs while climbing them I mouth the words when I read or write I talk to my plants. Or at least greet them I close my laptop slowly and gently, like tucking it into bed